Avada Kedavra!
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: The Lion King/Hakuna Matata parody. To recruit Severus Snape for the Death Eater cause, Voldemort and Lucius butcher a childhood classic. Of course, this is laden with black humor and is complete, utter CRACK.


**Fun times with my friend Shannon at Starbucks, studying chemistry...and somehow this was born. Yet another lovechild of my imagination and caffeine...This is the first Harry Potter fic I've written in ages besides Professor Spencer.**

**Since I've heard thigns like this so many times in reviews, let me say it now: DO NOT DEVOUR/IMBIBE ANY FOODS/LIQUIDS WHILE READING THIS FIC. IF YOU CHOKE, WOLF SHALL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE. **

**Also, I don't own Harry Potter or The Lion King. This is rated T for black comedy.**

**This is set when Lucius and Voldemort are recruiting Snape for the Death Eaters.**

* * *

Lucius placed a supportive, bejeweled hand on string bean Severus Snape's shoulder. "You know, Severus, in times like this my Lord Voldemort here says, 'You gotta put the Gryffindors in your behind!'"

Voldemort smacked the silly Malfoy upside the head. "No, you imbecilic twit, it's 'You gotta put the Gryffindors behind you!' Look, Severus, blood traitors and Mudbloods are horrible morons, and there's nothing you can do about it, right?"

"Right..." Severus murmured, his tone laced with depression as he thought of James Potter stealing away his Lily. His _precious..._

"WRONG!" Voldemort exclaimed, poking Severus's ugly hooked nose with a _squish. _"When the traitors turn their wands on you, you turn your wand on the traitors!"

Severus screwed up his pencil-thin eyebrows in thought. "Well, that's not what they teach you at Hogwarts..."

"Then they need to hire new teachers! Now, repeat after me, my dear Severus: Avada Kedavra," he pronounced each syllable slowly so Severus was sure to catch it.

Well, that was certainly something they didn't teach in DADA. "Avada Kewhaaa?"

"Avada Kedavra!" cried Lucius with revolting glee. "It means 'Let the thing be destroyed!'"

_"Avada Kedavra!" _sang Voldemort. _"What a wonderful spell!"_

_"Avada Kedavra!" _chirped Lucius. _"Does people in well!"_

Voldemort took over from there.

_"It means no Muggles_

_for the rest of your life!"_

Him and Lucius locked arms in jubilation, practically getting a high just by thinking of their macabre hobby.

_"It's our major key_

_To victory_

_Avada Kedavra!"_

Severus still could not comprehend it all! "Avada Kedavra?"

Lucius nodded with much enthusiasm. "Yeah, it's a jinx!"

Severus sighed. His brain ached from its brain fart. "A jinx..."

"Jinx, you owe me a soda!" Voldemort yelled, but no one but him believed it was funny. Still, this didn't stop his insane fit of maniacal laughter.

"This little hex will solve all your problems!" Lucius said.

Voldemort nodded vigorously. "Yes, take Lucius here for example. Why, _when he was a young wizard!"_

Lucius placed his palm on his chest and gathered several lungfuls of oxygen. _"WHEN I WAS A YOUNG WIZAAAAARD!"_

Voldemort clamped his bony hands over his ears. "Tone deaf much?"

"Uh..."

Voldemort let it go and took the reins.

_"The Gryffindors made him into their buttmunch_

_Always calling him Barbie during every lunch!"_

A lone tear cascaded from Lucius's eye.

_"I'm a sensitive boy_

_Though I'm filthy rich_

_And I cried_

_When they made me into their_ CENSORED

_AND OH THE PAIN!"_

Voldemort shed a multitude of sympathy tears. _"THEY WERE A PAIN!"_

_"THEY JUST HAD NO BRAINS!"_

_"OH, THEY LACKED SOME BRAINS!"_

Lucius glanced down at his spit-shined boots.

_"AND I FEEL SO AWKWARD_

_EVERY TIME THAT I-"_

Voldemort clamped the hand of censorship over Lucius's mouth. "Lucy! Not in front of the brat!"

Lucius shot him an incredulous glance. "You didn't censor me earlier..."

Severus himself shot a glance at the fourth wall, pondering its existence and just how broken it was.

Lucius shot a Wingardium Leviosa charm at himself and, as a result, began to float off toward the ceiling. Voldemort latched onto his feet, and soon they were both soaring.

_"Avada Kedavra_

_What a wonderful spell_

_Avada Kedavra_

_Does people in well!"_

Finally, after much contemplation, Severus jumped into the jaunty tune.

_"It means no Muggles_

_For the rest of my life!"_

Voldemort and Lucius plopped onto the ground and linked arms with Severus.

_"It's our weaponry_

_For killing sprees_

_Avada Kedavra!"_

Voldemort kicked down the door of the old Riddle Manor and waved his hand like an uppity salesman. "Welcome to our lair of villainy!"

Severus couldn't help but gawk at the splendor. Yes, the fireplace was caked with grime, there was mold growing on the Laz-E Boy, and a baby acromantula was perched on the mantle, but it was far more grand than his own house. "You guys live here?"

"We live wherever the foolish Ministry won't find us!" said Voldemort.

"Home is where you won't get shot dead!" Lucius recited the old Death Eater adage.

Severus had already fallen in love with the grandiose yet graphic tapestries of bearded middle-aged men repeatedly impaling Gorgons. "It's _beautiful."_

Lucius, uncharacteristically, belched. This ignited the fires of Severus's appetite. "Man, I'm so pumped I could off a Gyrffindor!"

Voldemort grimaced. Oh, how he loathed Gryffindors. Yet, unfortunately... "Well, we're fresh out of Gryffindors..."

"Blood traitors?"

"Nada."

"Mudbloods?"

"Nope. Listen, dear, if your're going to be one of us, you have to think like one of us. Us being myself, since I am the body, the mind, and heart of this operation. I am queen! And my way of thinking is to impulsively kill off my random followers, since those mooks are not relevant to the plot and therefore irrelevant to me. I've heard my snakes say my followers taste like chicken."

"Morbid yet satisfying!" shouted Lucius, who was tired of being left out of the dialogue, dragging over an unnamed character with him. Poor sap.

Severus grimaced and shrugged simultaneously. "Oh well. Avada Kedavra!"

And thus began Severus Snape's descent into stupidity. Him, Voldemort, and Lucius all pranced about in a musical montage, each one tossing his head to and fro. Severus's greasy bangs stuck together as he shook his black locks, Lucius showed off his marvelous shampoo as his perfect blond tresses bounced around, and Voldemort felt incredibly awkward trying to whip his hair back and forth. Sometimes he despised what he lost while creating Horcruxes.

Just like that, two years whizzed by in ten seconds.

_"Avada, kedavra, avada, kedavra, avada, kedavra-"_

A much older Snape stepped on the scene, this one much more malicious and disturbed.

_"It means no Muggles_

_For the rest of my life!"_

Voldemort, Lucius, and Snape banded together to have an evil group hug. Mind you, it was very evil and extremely manly! Not cutesy and loving!

_"It's our major key_

_To victory_

_Avada Kedavra!"_

"Avada, Kedavra! Avada, Kedavra! Avada, Kedavra! Avaaaaada Kedavra, A-va-da Ke-da-vra, ah ah!"

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**I have no excuse. Mock me in the reviews all you want.**


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